Approaching the retreat brought a whole mixture of guilt and shame, trying to fathom out how, when, why or what I might be entirely responsible for us driving late at night in a thick pea souper. I wasn't getting the optimal reassurance necessary for me which meant I had to turn inwards and it actually worked. My reward appeared in the shape of the best bowl of soup I have ever had courtesy of Michael the Tenzo which I am sure Clare needs credit for too. Then I was safe. I / We had arrived.
I was initially nervous about my first Rohatsu but it took me so long to settle that it didn't seem long enough. Work was making me fizz and the first few days was spent returning and returning, away from the urge to fire off another reassurance-seeking email to a line manager or two. As that dropped away the rest of my time was spent turning and turning away from ever more elaborate ways of impressing women at the forthcoming work Christmas meal. The dialogue was getting more egotistical and I felt quite sick dining out on it.
The retreat was wonderful in the same way as the food was always fresh, tasty but never decadent. I lost a lot of weight which was great. Psychologically, I felt quite proud of myself even though the choice was made for me. This is the best thing about retreats, you live the routine, completely liberating! Less opportunities to think I've done wrong..until you wonder if you washed up enough, served enough at Oryoki, eaten too many biscuits, spent too long in the shower...the toilet. Wish I could bottle that first lesson in the pea souper.
Thanks to everyone for making this happen. See you again in Spring.
Ross Charnock Hebden Bridge sangha
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